Great Expectations

When someone else says it better, let them say it

2009-12-02T17:53:00.004-06:00

Something always brings me back to you

It never takes too long

No matter what I say or do

I still feel you here til the moment I'm gone

You hold me without touch

You keep me without chains

I never wanted anything so much

Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

Set me free

Leave me be

I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity

Here I am

And I stand so tall

Just the way I'm supposed to be

But you're on to me and all over me

You loved me cause I'm fragile

But I thought that I was strong

But you touch me for a little while

And all my fragile strength is gone

Set me free

Leave me be

I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity

Here I am

And I stand so tall

Just the way I'm supposed to be

But you're on to me and all over me

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see

That you're everything I think I need here on the ground

But you're neither friend nor foe

Though I can't seem to let you go

The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

You're on to me, on to me, and all over

Something always brings me back to you

It never takes too long

It never gets easier

2009-10-25T21:43:00.003-05:00

We've made a couple significant changes in childcare over the past few months, and I am here to tell you that it just never gets any easier. Tomorrow I will leave my children in the care of someone new, someone who doesn't know them, and someone who will have complete responsibility for them while I am away. It just doesn't get any easier. I am nervous. I imagine Ci and Cael would be too if they were old enough to know exactly what is going to transpire in 12 short hours.

I am grateful that tomorrow is a short day, so they will only be in someone else's care for five hours. Will the kids cry? Will they torture the poor woman to the point of her throwing up her hands in desperation and not allowing them to return the next day? You may laugh, but it remains a distinct possibility.

As many times as I have done this before, I know it is necessary - a parental requirement - that I keep my nerves in check so the kids can be as calm as possible. So that is my task for what remains of my evening...to dispell any fears (hopefully unfounded) that I may be harbouring and find my zen.

Must be a cold weather thing

2009-10-19T10:26:00.004-05:00

Time to get back to the writing of the blog, colloquially known as blogging. Blogging. I despise that word. It has a shudder-inducing quality. But a rose is a rose is a pesky little online forum where one records all their thoughts for anyone to see. Isn't technology lovely.

But I digress.

With the turning of the weather, I find myself coming back more and more to writing. It must be the colder weather producing more inward focused pastimes. So I have an expectation that I will once again be filling these online pages with my musings and ramblings. And I will...be...starting...right...

Well, not right this second. But soon. After class. And midterms on Thursday. And meeting with my advisors. And that interview.

I make no promises.

August cannot get here soon enough

2009-06-01T10:08:00.002-05:00

Last week was one of those weeks in which I realized even more how much I need to move on from my current situation and make a few changes. My job is one of those changes. I am trading in my full-time, chaotic, demanding, travelling, papers-covering-every-inch-of-available-space-in-my-office job for textbooks, hours in the library, papers, exams, and late night studying. I am going back to school. And it truly cannot happen fast enough. I will not beleaguer this post with details of why I have had enough with my job. I will merely say continuing my education will (hopefully) provide much better opportunities for me and allow me to immerse myself in subjects that I care very much about.

Also coming in August....

BIRTHDAYS!!!!!!

Cialyn and Cael both have birthdays coming up in August. It will be Cael's first birthday August 19th, and Cialyn follows closely with a third (third, really?!?!?!) birthday on the 25th. I can't believe it's less than three months away. I don't really know how that happened. And don't even ask me how I'm going to manage that because I don't really know. I have no marvelous first birthday party ideas. The three of us will come up with something good.

Happy nine months, Cael Emerson Reid!

2009-05-22T14:22:00.004-05:00

A few days late, but here are a few pictures of my mister baby man at nine months old. He had his checkup on Wednesday and he is now over 20 lbs. That sounds big, but really it's not. He is just in the 55th percentile for his weight. Average size. He is apparently a short little guy though, coming in at 27.25 inches in the 25th percentile. He's definitely making his own path on the growth chart and not following in Cialyn's well above average footsteps.

He can climb the stairs. When did he get so grown up?

And a couple of Cialyn as well.

And then there was one

2009-05-18T14:22:00.003-05:00

Tooth, that is. We finally have a tooth! It's been five months in the making; Cael started teething when he was four months old. He remained toothless until nearly nine months old (he will be nine months tomorrow).

I would take a picture, but you can't so much see this new tooth as you can feel it. It's a sharp one. I forgot about how much damage tiny little baby teeth can do. I guess this is the part where I am (somewhat) happy that I am no longer breastfeeding.

Anyways, I can only imagine the new shrieks and complaints I will be hearing from Cialyn in the near future. I can add "he bit me" to the list, rounding out the current list of "he's pulling my hair," "he pinched/scratched me," and "he took my toy." Really, the children get along quite well. But there are definitely moments.

So that's all for now. Just announcing the arrival of the long-awaited first tooth.

The things people say

2009-04-15T15:29:00.002-05:00

It's astonishing the lack of common courtesy people have these days. Why is it that some people feel that anything is fair game to say or comment on when talking to a total stranger? Personal topics are no longer off limits; perfect strangers will walk right up to you an ask any kind of question whether it's clearly none of their business or not. There is virtually no shame anymore.

The other morning I was walking out the front door of our apartment building and one such comment/question was verbally spewed forth into existence. Both Ci and Cael were with me and we had to literally walk in the mud and grass to get around this group of three people who were blocking the entire walkway. Nice. One of the guys in this group (whom I have never even seen let alone ever talked to) pipes up out of nowhere and says "I bet you get really tired having all those kids."

Seriously?

Let's dissect that sentence, shall we? First of all, since when has two (count them...one, two) children become "all those kids"? I can only deduce from this statement that this guy has no children or was experiencing double vision. I'm leaning towards the latter conclusion.

Second of all, "really tired" is entirely a misnomer. My standard morning equipment in order to even leave the house includes a minimum of five bags, a baby in a carseat carrier, a toddler running under me as I walk, and a big travel mug of coffee. I'm lucky if I remember everything and can walk the short distance to the car without one or both of the kids having a meltdown. The other day, we managed to forget Ci's puppy and it was a disaster of epic proportions. And this is the state in which this guy saw me when he made this comment. To say that I get "really tired" is laughable. You'd have to come up with a whole new word for what I and most other mothers in the world experience. In all seriousness, that word does not even exist.

And finally, the tone and look with which this comment was delivered was less than polite and civil. At the moment, I didn't have the time or the energy to deal with it, so I mumbled something and moved on. But it was one of those moments that has the potential to damage self-esteem if you let it. However, I refuse to let other people's comments make me feel less than the mother that I can be. Or the person that I can be. So I choose to disregard that man's statement and chalk it up to another instance of people missing that censor in their brain that tells them when to stop talking.

And I have to throw this one in with this post just for fun and because I hear this one CONSTANTLY. Most recently, it was at Cael's daycare when I was picking him up and had Ci with me as well. Another parent (a mother, I assume) was also picking up her child from some other room in the building. She's not a mother of one of the infants in Cael's room anyways. She stared as we all came into the building at the same time. Then we all were exiting at the same time and all of the sudden I hear "So, what ethnicity are your kids anyways?"

Seriously???

This question comes from perfect strangers...people I have never seen and never talked to. I don't consider myself overly sensitive about the racial makeup of my family, but I do believe in boundaries. I would never walk up to some random white person at a grocery store that looks like they may not be from the USA originally and ask them what ethnicity they are just out of the blue. Am I alone in this? For the life of me, I just can't imagine what goes through people's minds right before this question comes out of their mouths. Some people probably mean this very innocently and some definitely mean it a little more maliciously. It comes out both ways. I'll set somebody straight if they mean to cause harm by it, but I won't lose any sleep over it. Baffling.

My dilemma

2009-04-06T11:48:00.003-05:00

When I first began this blog, I never believed that anyone would read it other than my sister...who, as it turns out, only uses it to get pictures of her niece and nephew and doesn't actually read anything I write. Apologies to Megan for the distinct lack of pictures of late. Anyways, I was comfortable blogging so long as I could easily believe I was safely tucked away in my own little corner of the blogging world where no one would ever find me or read what I've written. See, writing for me is deeply personal, and while I greatly enjoy writing and have always written any and every thing that pops into my mind, I have always had this instinct to keep my writing to myself.

Now that I am aware that there are actually people (albeit very few in number) who are reading what I am writing, I am slightly uncomfortable. The question, then, is how to proceed. I suppose the harm has already been done. It was just much simpler and easier for me to write to an unknown audience. What I didn't know couldn't hurt me.

So here's the game plan. I'm going to continue to write as if I don't know that you are there. Sound good to everyone? I think it will work. Just know that I am writing for me...and occasionally for my sister whom I am fairly certain is desperate for some recent pictures of the babies right about now. Pictures are forthcoming, I assure you.

Through the eyes of a child

2009-03-24T12:45:00.005-05:00

Having a two year-old is quite an experience. You should try it sometime if you haven't already. But for those of you not fortunate enough to have ever had a two year old in your home and those of you not priveleged enough to have MY beautiful, bright two year old in your home, I will share some of her wonderful two year old views of the world.

It was such a beautiful day yesterday that Cael, Cialyn and I decided to go out and walk around the big yard. I think this is a big yard so to Cialyn it must be a gigantic adventureland. We started out on our little walk and all I heard for the duration of our time outside was "hey mama, check that out." Her little legs darted here and there as quick as she could move them, picking up sticks and twigs, running to see what was behind the rocks, and eventually winding up on the tree swing. All the while, I heard a continuous chorus of "Check it out, mama. Check that out."

I started thinking about when I was a kid and the yard and surrounding fields and trees held that much possibility for me. There is a small stream of sorts running along the edge of the yard. Really, it is just stormwater that is still standing from the most recent round of storms. There is a little...oh, I don't know the word for it...a little cylindrical metal tube meant for stormwater to travel through. What's the word. Oh good heavens, whatever it is called. Anyways, that was Cialyn's first objective...to go through the tunnel (or in Ci's vocabulary, a "kunnel"). And my corresponding course of action was to quickly squash that idea. No way was I going to let her run through that nasty water and in that tunnel. When I think about it though, how many times did I run through the creek waters and the beaver pond up to my knees in nasty, muddy water with my sister and brothers and our friends when I was a kid? Thinking about it now makes me cringe. We are all lucky beyond words that none of us contracted some disease from those waters.

Back to the indoors, we had such a sweet moment with the three of us. I was rocking Cael after feeding him his last bottle of the night. He was in my left arm and Cialyn wanted to join us. She crawled up on the right side of the chair and in my right arm. Cael was holding my finger with his chubby little hand. Cialyn then placed her hand on top of his hand which was on top of my hand and starts to sing...

I love you. You love me.

We're a happy family.

With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you,

won't you say you love me too.

Now I'm thrilled that Ci's Barney stage is over, but I couldn't help but be so touched by her little song and her sweet little gesture. I nearly teared up. Nearly.

And for one other Cialyn story, I have this habit of calling Cael a little stinker. I frequently say to him "What a little stinker." If Ci is anywhere nearby, she will chime in with "What a beautiful little stinker." I love it! I have no idea where she got it from, but I love it in two ways. One: that she says such a nice sweet thing about her baby brother. And two: that she doesn't put a gender distinction on what can be beautiful or pretty. Baby Cael is a boy and he is a pretty boy or a beautiful boy just as she is a pretty girl or a beautiful girl. Who needs gender distinctive vocabulary anyways? Oh, to be a child again when things are not complicated and the world is wonderful.

I'm not as tough as I seem

2009-03-24T12:17:00.002-05:00

It occurs to me that, unless someone really knows me, they may assume that I am a tough person. Hell, even people who know me sometimes think I am a tough person. They think I can handle anything and I don't easily get upset, that I don't show much emotion or have strong feelings about difficult situations.

This is entirely not the case. I do my best to appear tough, unshakable, and capable of handling a crisis with minimal emotional reaction. But it's not the truth. It's not who I really am. It's who I think everyone else wants me to be.

If you want to know who I really am, you must observe the moments when I am alone. It's not possible, but it would give you the clearest picture of who I am. I am not tough. On the contrary, I am admittedly one of the most sensitive people you will ever meet. A single word can do great damage. I will tell people I don't care about something said or done, but I am actually devastated. Half my life I spend being physically ill over some situation or words or actions.

But on the exterior, I am tough. I can be tough because I know what it takes to get through life and what it takes to make sure my children don't feel what I feel. So while I'm not nearly as tough as I seem, I will seem as tough as I must be so that everyone else will not have to be that way.

1/2 step

2009-03-16T13:32:00.002-05:00

I've been contemplating many things over the past weekend...too many to list here and more than any person ought ever be allowed to contemplate all at once. There should be a contemplation limit of sorts to be imposed on persons like myself who are prone to over-contemplating (or would it be over-contemplation? eh, chalk it up to a simple matter of morphemic preference).

Since no such limit exists in real life, I was free to muse over anything I so desired. One of the main topics I kept wandering back to was this topic of humanity. People. Why we do the things that we do. After a very bizarre dream in the early hours of Sunday morning and the above mentioned contemplation, here is what I have decided (not that you asked my opinion, though, if you are reading this, there is an implied sort of asking that I will take as leave to now impart my thoughts):

At any given moment in time, every person is merely a half step away from both the best and the worst person they can be. A half step. That's not far. I say a half step in order to be perfectly clear that all it takes at any time for any person to slip, fall, or step into the best or worst they can be is the slightest of motions. Don't fool yourself. That person that you see and say "what a mess they are in"...a half step and that could be you.

Some of us have taken that half step to one side or the other. These people have temporarily taken up residence on the best or worst side of their being. How did they get there? Perhaps accidentally. Maybe they just stopped paying attention one moment, lost their balance, and looked up and found they had moved that half step without even knowing it. Perhaps intentionally. Maybe that other side was calling out to them and the half step was one that they willingly took.

My point in this - and I assure you that I do have one - is that we are never permanent residents of any one position in our lives. We are never permanent residents of the best we can be, never permanent residents of the worst we can be, and never even permanent residents of a sort of neutral existence. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something.

Blasted humanity

2009-03-13T15:02:00.002-05:00

How many times will I try try again to find a way to believe in humanity before I realize that there is nothing there to believe in? Yes, yes. The rare exception. The rare exception aside, life seems to be an endless string of humanity wasted. The official party line is to give everyone a chance; there is something good in everyone if you...just...look...hard...enough. Truth? Not everyone has a redeeming quality. There are real villains. Even if they do have a redeeming quality, the question then becomes "Is this ONE quality really enough to redeem them for all the rest of it?" I ask myself that question every day. Are my so-called redeeming qualities (assuming there is more than one) enough to overcome all of the others. Who can really answer that?

I have lost faith in humanity. I don't believe this time I will be able to regain it. It is completely gone. I have lost faith altogether. It no longer exists for me. On a good day, I will merely shake my head and move on. On a bad day...well, on a bad day I just sit and I try not to think. What kind of day will today be, I wonder.

When there are no words

2009-02-27T11:23:00.002-06:00

I usually manage to still find some. Today, I don't think I can. Except maybe to say I think I'm going to be sick.

The non-State of the Union address

2009-02-25T16:05:00.004-06:00

We have lived through an era where too often short-term gains were prized over long-term prosperity; where we failed to look beyond the next payment, the next quarter, or the next election. A surplus became an excuse to transfer wealth to the wealthy instead of an opportunity to invest in our future. Regulations were gutted for the sake of a quick profit at the expense of a healthy market. People bought homes they knew they couldn't afford from banks and lenders who pushed those bad loans anyway. And all the while, critical debates and difficult decisions were put off for some other time on some other day.

Well that day of reckoning has arrived, and the time to take charge of our future is here.

The preceeding was an excerpt from President Obama's Congressional address (more commonly called the State of the Union address, though that is a misnomer) delivered last night. I will admit that I did not watch the entire address on television. I rarely, if ever, get a chance to watch anything in prime time because that is time with the kids. And I forgot to DVR it. I did, however, read the entire transcript of the address today. Can I just say...well done, speech writers. Strictly from the standpoint of quality of the speech and how the words were put together, it was very well done. I was impressed even in the opening lines and I am a nut when it comes to the written (and spoken, in this case) word.

The content of the speech was also very solid. I particularly liked the excerpt I included above as it aptly describes the events that have brought our nation to this specific point.

I won't go over the speech in its entirety because that could go on forever. Though have no doubt that I could comment on every aspect of the speech and do so with great ease. Instead, I have chosen to just include a brief list of the highlights of the speech for me.

*One word: inherited. Everyone say it with me. I loved the subtle and yet continual use of the word. I feel it was the best way to remind everyone that, hey, this administration didn't make this mess. It was handed to them. President Obama didn't have to be in your face with that fact, but he was still able to make his point. Did you all catch that?

*Energy. Healthcare. Education. Deficit.

*Way to call out the banks and the automakers. Time for some accountability, people. I actually cheered (silently) when I read the phrase "force the necessary adjustments" in reference to banks with serious problems. It's about dang time.

*Now it's time for our part. We were issued a challenge last night and it's one that I intend to take seriously. President Obama has asked all of us to commit to at least another year of higher education or career training. This is something we can all do in one form or another. I'm as guilty as the next person as I sit here without ever having finished my degree. I have always had every intention of getting back to school to finish my last couple semesters, and now I am more determined than ever to do so.

Boys really are different than girls

2009-02-24T15:33:00.002-06:00

I spent fifteen minutes in the diagnositc radiology waiting room today with Cael and it was an experience like none I ever had with Cialyn (I'll get to the diagnostic radiology part in a moment, hold on). Never have I been one to subscribe to the view that boys are always typically different than girls. What I mean by that is that I always shrugged off the comments like "Just wait. Boys are so much different than girls. They talk later, walk earlier, and make car noises." I hope none of you are prone to believing such tales because that type of blanket statement is misleading and dangerous if strictly applied.

That being said, back to my experience in the waiting room with Cael. He is the growlingest baby I have ever seen in my lifetime. He growled and grunted for the entire fifteen minutes we were in the waiting room. And throw in there his obsession with breathing like he's dying. Yeah, it scared me to death the first few times he did it, but he breathes like something is constricting his airflow. It makes a terrible sound. He does it just for fun...just to hear himself making some kind of noise. Then he looks up at me with a mischevious little face as if to say "Just kidding, mama!" Yeah, real funny.

I'm not going to say for certain that his growling, grunting, noise-making tendencies are 100% accreditable to being male. But I will say I'll give it a little more thought. Doesn't mean I'll expect him to talk later than Cialyn did. After all, he is my son. We are hyper-verbal people. If you don't believe me, strike up a conversation with Cialyn. She'll talk you to death and she's only two and a half. Heaven help us when the child is four or five.

And now to the radiology update...

Cael had his six month ultrasound to check his kidneys and bladder. The right kidney has totally resolved itself. Good news there. The left kidney is holding steady. No changes either way. As long as he continues to have no problems, we will probably be able to get by with simply monitoring the condition with ultrasound scans every few months. So good news all around.

The musical is back!!!

2009-02-23T09:26:00.003-06:00

I managed to catch a few minutes of the 81st Acacemy Awards last night. I could neither convince myself to waste...I mean, spend...hours watching the awards show nor did I have the time available. But I did manage to see the number featuring Beyonce, Hugh Jackman, Zac Efron, Vanessa Hudgens, Amanda Seyfried, and Dominic Cooper. I couldn't have said it better myself...

The musical is back!!!

And I'm thrilled. What a tribute to all the great musicals.

I know musicals are not most people's cup of tea. I can't imagine why not. I guess it's because I grew up on them. All my favorite movies from my childhood (and still to this day) are musicals. The Sound of Music, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (the original), and so many others.

Regardless, I'm just thrilled that hollywood is getting back to the musical genre with some seriousness. Can't wait to see what comes out next.

I love the strangest things

2009-02-20T14:45:00.004-06:00

My previous post/confession about how much I love a Disney musical made me think about some of my other affinities for strange things. Some of these may seem strange and some perfectly normal. It's all about the perspective of the listener. Here are some things I love:

*Regular, actual mail. I used to be the best penpal in the entire world. Given my affinity for the written word in general, this should be no surprise. I love to write letters, notes, cards. I don't have as much time for that these days, but I still love it.

*Driving in the car alone. It's my only free time. I can be quiet, sing at the top of my lungs, cry, have that conversation in my mind that I could never actually say out loud iRL, imagine life any way I want it, or think about things I only let myself think about when there's no one else around.

*Names. I have a fascination with names and have ever since I was quite young. I used to compile lists of names of my future children. Now I have children I have actually named! But I still love to make lists of my favorite names and names for potential future children (nothing in the near future, though).

*Choreographing songs I am listening to. It's been some time since I've actually put my choreography skills to use, but I hear a song and I see movement in my mind. It's one of my only creative outlets these days.

*Playing the violin without actually playing it. I am able to keep all the songs I know literally at my fingertips by running through the fingering wherever I am. One day I will be able to play again regularly.

*Foreign and independent films. Sure, I enjoy a typical romantic comedy or the ocassional standard action movie now and again. But I'd rather see something with more to say. Think Dogville, Elephant, Donnie Darko, Swimming Pool, Run Lola Run, etc. I don't like them to be snooty or to sound educated. I just really like that kind of left field type thing, mostly because I'm that kind of left field person. Or so I've been told.

*Anticipation. I often find I love the anticipation of something much more than the event or thing itself. It's the feeling of something great about to happen but never of being disappointed by it actually coming to pass. That way it can stay any way you imagine it in your mind and it will not disappoint. Flaubert had it right. Let me leave you with a little quote:

"So what is the best ending in all of literature? And don't say Ulysses because everybody says Ulysses.

That's easy. Sentimental Education by Flaubert.

What happens?

Nothing really. It's just two old friends sitting around remembering the best thing that never happened to them.

How do you remember something that never happened to you?

Fondly. You see, Flaubert believed that anticipation was the purest form of pleasure. And the most reliable. And that while the things that actually happened to you would invariably disappoint, the things that never happened to you would never dim, never fade. They'd always be engraved on your heart with sort of a sweet sadness to them."

(Quote compliments of Dawson's Creek...another strange little thing I love!)

Ok, I admit it

2009-02-19T17:10:00.005-06:00

I love High School Musical. Call me a nerd; ridicule me if you want. I'm outing myself as a huge fan of the entire series. I figured it was time to come out since I went and bought the HSM:3 dvd when it came out on Tuesday. I wasn't able to see it in the theatre thanks to being attached at the hip to my two little angels who are neither old enough nor well-behaved enough to sit in a movie theatre. But I anxiously awaited the dvd release date and it was a great movie. I highly recommend it.

The movie may not appeal to most people my age or older unless you are a huge musical fan, like myself. I have loved musicals since I was in junior high. I'm fascinated by them. They exist in a world all their own where hokiness is acceptable and even a highly desired quality. They are dramatic and over-stated and sweet and corny and laughable. I love it.

What I loved about HSM:3 is that it paid homage to so many great musicals and dance numbers in some obvious and not so obvious ways. The dancing from the lead characters, while nowhere near professional levels, has dramatically improved over the course of the three part series. If you are used to a professional level waltz, you will be disappointed in Troy and Gabriella's waltz scene. But it was sweet and served its purpose in the story line. It is also fabulous to see a dance form like the waltz highlighted in a movie geared towards a younger audience. We hardly ever see that anymore. I very much doubt that most kids in high school or younger even know what a waltz is. So just for bringing awareness of a dance form other than hip hop to the larger audience of young viewers...I applaud Kenny Ortega and his team of choreographers. Well done.

In the end, does HSM:3 or any of its predecessors come close to some of the greatest musicals of all time? It's no Les Miserables. But it's an evolution of the musical into something the new generation will watch. Maybe it will serve as the "gateway drug" if you will, leading the novice musical watcher to the truly greats.

A scene right out of...

2009-02-13T11:28:00.002-06:00

Have you ever watched Dateline NBC's What Would You Do? You know the one. They create some fictional situation using actors to portray someone in trouble in a public place and use a hidden camera to see if passersby will stop to help or keep right on walking.

What happened to me three nights ago was like a scene straight out of that show.

I was en route to my home from my office in the middle of rush hour traffic at 5:15pm. Granted, rush hour traffic in my town isn't anything serious, but it still backs up traffic and we sit for a bit here and there. I pulled out onto one of the major roadways and proceeded to sit and wait in traffic, moving a bit here and there. In front of me, I notice the car directly ahead of me is being driven in a rather sporadic fashion. The driver is obviously being distracted from the road by his front seat passenger who is gesturing wildly with his arms at various intervals. This catches my attention and begins to irritate me, especially since this car is holding up traffic even more because the driver is too distracted to realize when traffic in front of him is moving. I almost blasted him with the horn at one point as I have limited patience for imcompetence on the road.

I'd probably been following/sitting behind this car for ten minutes at this point.

I now realize that there is what looks to be a backseat passenger, but this person is sitting so still, pressed up against the car door in the corner even though he/she is the only person in the backseat. I could not tell if this person was a man, woman, or child at this point.

Then the front seat passenger starts gesturing wildly again in a manner that is frequently used by people mocking mentally disabled people. If you think about it, I'm sure you know what I mean. At this point, I desperately wanted to get out of the vehicle and set this person straight. I had a lecture a mile long about how inappropriate and degrading those gestures are. I actually started to worry that the backseat passenger may in fact be a disabled person. I wondered if I needed to do something.

I didn't have long to wait until I found out.

Sitting in line at the next stoplight, I witnessed the man in the front seat turn around to the backseat passenger and start screaming and shouting in this person's face and then start beating this person. He had a cigarette in his hand and it was dangerously close to the backseat passenger's face. I was concerned that the man might burn the person in the back seat. I still did not have any idea who the backseat passenger was at this point. But I knew enough to know that I had to do something. So I called 911 immediately.

About two minutes into the call, we were still at a standstill in traffic and I was quickly describing the situation and the vehicle and license plate number to the 911 dispatcher. The backseat passenger, who I can now see is a woman, jumps out of the car in front of me (thank heavens traffic was at a standstill) and starts running back my direction. She passes my car as I scramble to unlock the door and open it while still on the phone with 911 and relaying what is happening currently. I honk the horn to get the woman's attention and she sees me and jumps in the car with me. She is frightened and shaking and the 911 dispatcher is asking me "What is going on now? Where are you? What is happening?"

In hindsight, we were quite lucky that the man didn't jump out of the car and come after this woman and me. But that didn't occur to me at the time. The only thing in my mind was to get this woman away and safe.

Under direction from the dispatcher, I continued on to my destination (which was home) with the woman in the car. The woman had been able to identify her abuser by name and had given the dispatcher information on where he was likely headed, and that along with the vehicle description and information on which way the vehicle was headed allowed the authorities to quickly apprehend the man in the car. By the time the officers met us at my home two hours later, they assured us that the man was already in jail.

I distinctly remember thinking (at the point after the woman jumped into my car) that I sincerely hoped this was one of those What Would You Do? set ups. I hoped beyond hope that it was fake and that this wasn't really happening for real right before my eyes. Unfortunately, it was all real. No hidden cameras here.

Because the woman stayed with me until officers came to get our statements, I had the opportunity to talk with her about her situation. I don't know that it did much good, but I was happy to be able to give her some information and try to gently encourage her to make some decisions here that would end what I came to find out was a continually abusive relationship. I doubt I will ever hear from or see this woman again, but I can only hope that she has taken steps that she was previously too afraid to take.

As for the abuser, he did in fact go to jail. He is being charged with third degree assualt, two counts of tampering with a witness, and kidnapping. Apparently, he had been seen pulling the woman back into the car by her hair twice before I saw them and she was able to escape to my car.

While I want to talk about what I personally think about this situation, I think that topic in and of itself warrants an entire entry to itself. You know I have an opinion, and a strong one at that, on the subject of domestic violence and violence against women. Look for that topic here shortly.

Until then, please do your part to help. If you ever find yourself in a situation where someone needs help, do whatever you can. Don't sit back and wait for someone else. You just could be the one who saves the day for someone.

Happy Tuesday!!

2009-02-10T08:50:00.003-06:00

Happy Tuesday from Cael!

Two little giants

2009-02-09T12:49:00.002-06:00

All of my pleading for Cael to grow must have really and truly paid off. He still appears to be small somehow, but he has definitely grown. I weighed him myself at home out of sheer curiousity about three or four weeks ago, right around the time he would have just turned five months. Our home scale showed him at 16lbs 2oz. I was quite satisfied with that. It was good growth. Then I had to take him to the pediatrician when his lung issues flared up again with all the wheezing and coughing. That was maybe a week later, probably not quite that long. The nurse weighed him in at 18lbs!!! Now, I'm skeptical about accepting that weight as truth because the nurse tends to do a quick, informal, get-a-general-idea-of-the-weight-range type weigh-in on visits that are not for checkups (ie the weight doesn't actually get recorded in his chart so it doesn't matter as much as if he's there for well baby check). Be that as it may, I am looking at a nearly six month old who weighs somewhere between 16lbs 2oz and 18lbs. There's a large range there, but even if he's on the smaller end of it, he has still made some good progress from his initial 4lbs 8oz.

Now like I said before, he still appears to be smallish. I don't know really know how that's possible. He just packs all that weight somewhere in his really compact little body. He may be short. I'm not sure since he hasn't been measured for length since nearly two months ago. He was proportionately tall for his weight. Perhaps he hasn't gotten taller? Who knows. But he is a big little guy.

Looks like he's catching up nicely to his big sister. My guess as to what compelled him to grow so much in such a short period of time is that he realized he would need to grow very quickly and A LOT in order to not get run over by Cialyn!!! Let's face it, a tiny baby doesn't stand a chance against my off-the-charts two year old. At one point in the last week, Cialyn actually tried to lay on top of Cael. I'm sure he's thinking "Just you wait, Cialyn! I won't be small forever." He's made some exceptional progress towards getting big enough to hold his own.

Cialyn has been bigger than children her age since she was five months old. She is currently (or was at her two year check up in August) off the charts in both weight and height...31lbs something and 36 inches tall. I KNOW she's grown much taller since then. She used to be noticeably shorter than her best little friend, Eva. Eva is three and a half. They are so cute together! But that's another story for another time. Anyways, today when I dropped her off at Grandma Ann's, Ci and Eva were standing right next to each other and it suddenly occured to me that Ci is now maybe only an inch and a half shorter than Eva. She's closed the height gap. I guess she figured her friends are older and taller so she needed to grow up and match them. Conversely, her weight hasn't been moving up with her height as she is still hovering right around 31lbs. One of her favorite pastimes is to stand on the scale in the bathroom and loudly pronounce her weight to be "thirty pounds" no matter what the scale actually says. She is thinning out nicely. Where has all the precious baby chub gone? It's on Cael, that's where it is. One of Cialyn's favorite nicknames for Cael is "chubbers."

No one on the face of the planet would believe that both Cael and Cialyn started out as four pounders.

Can you tell they are related?

2009-02-08T14:56:00.007-06:00

I was looking at some pictures of Cialyn when she was the same age as Cael is now. He is almost six months old now, by the way. More to come on that. Some of the pictures of Cialyn look very much like Cael, but they definitely each have their own unique features too. Neither of them look a think like their mama!!! Ah, well. What can I say? They are a million times more beautiful than any person could ever hope for.

So for fun, it's compare and contrast time.

Cialyn in her exersaucer

Cael in the exersaucer

Cialyn with mommy

Cael with mommy

Ci sitting up for the first time
Cael ready to go!
Ci again

Cael in his oh-so-grown-up outfit, complete with sweater vest

Both of them together. They were both kind of dressed up that day

Neither of them looking at the camera...must be something up there

Finally both of them looking at the camera but not entirely clothed

Cael fell asleep in his bumbo chair

Cialyn decided to get in the bumbo and pretend to sleep like baby Cael

And then she got stuck!

So what do you think? Do they look alike? It's easier to tell when you look at pictures of when Cialyn was a baby. In some ways they look so similar; in other ways they look so different. I think their eyes are different and maybe a slightly different mouth. They have the same cheeks, nose, and forehead. They definitely favor each other. It will be interesting to see if they keep looking similar as Cael grows.

Death to Rock Band

2009-02-05T16:38:00.002-06:00

Who invented this atrocious video game anyways? I realize it has some sort of cult following. I am not quite sure why. Is it for people who have no real musical ability whatsoever? Is it simply a tool of the devil to drive neighbors completely insane?

I am quickly beginning to think the latter.

First, let me say that we have some very lovely neighbors in our apartment complex (oh yes, it's called WB Condominiums, but let's call a spade a spade...it's apartments). The few college football players who live across the way are generally respectful and quiet, albeit a bit prone to drunken company, namely of the female persuasion. I'm not here to judge.

However, we live on the bottom floor of a three story unit. The college girls above us have never given us much trouble...until recently. I don't know if this heinous Rock Band thing was a Christmas gift or just one of their more idiotic ideas. The thump, thump, thump of the kick drum has been omnipresent for well over a month now. I hear it even when it isn't there. It just echoes in my ears all day and all night.

Now a reasonable person would assume that if you live on the second floor (above another residence), a device such as this drum would resonate through the floor and to the other apartment. Making such an assumption, a reasonable person would realize that it may not be the most appropriate "game" to be playing at all hours of the day and night. Maybe where I went wrong is assuming that they are reasonable people. Because they do exactly the opposite of what a reasonable person might do. They are playing this game constantly from the time they get home in the evening to well past the hour when noises of that level should cease. We do have what's called a noise ordinance here, people. Look it up.

So after over a month of this, I could finally take it no more. The kids are trying to sleep and this noise is ridiculous. I am a mother of two young children who often gets very little sleep. I'm on edge. So I sent June up to see if he could get them to quiet down.

He comes back after talking to them very briefly and says they were very apologetic and agreed to turn the noise down. Thank heavens. Maybe now they get the point. We have young kids and we are tired of the noise.

The next night, what do we hear??? You guessed it. Thump, thump, thump, thump, thump...Same volume as before. I just want to scream, "if it was too loud at that volume last night, it's too loud at that volume every night." Again, an assumption a reasonable person would make. We most definitely are not dealing with reasonable people here.

After another couple nights of this craziness, I again had reached and surpassed my limit. It was after 10pm, and not only were the kids being disturbed, but I couldn't sleep. June says to me "oh no, it's your turn. I did it last time." I tried to convince him to go as I just knew I would be greatly inclined to either smack the mess out of them or say something of a smartass nature. I know me too well. Plus, I know females. They are much more inclined to take an attitude with another female addressing them than if a male addresses them. That's just a fact.

Alas, June could not be persuaded. I had to pull it together, take a deep breath, and go upstairs.

I knocked on the door one time. They apparently couldn't hear me. I'm sure their hearing is permanently damaged as a result of this devilish contraption. I knock a second time more loudly. This time they definitely heard me. The music is immediately turned down to a minimum level. I wait a few seconds at the door thinking someone will come to the door any moment. I wait...and I wait...and I wait. No one opens the door.

I guess they call themselves being smart or something. Like we all don't know you're in there. You've been thumping away all freakin' night long but you expect us to believe you're just not home. Riiiiight.

I guess I'm just that intimidating. I find it rather interesting that June - a six foot tall 280lb black man - can knock on their door and receive a cordial response. But me - a woman of much much smaller stature - can knock on the door and apparently intimidate someone enough that they won't come to the door. Maybe they are smart enough to be scared of a mother of two young kids with sleep deprivation. Maybe they are smarter than I give them credit for.

It's been two nights since this incident and Rock Band has been silent on both evenings. Hopefully this is the beginning of a beautiful thing.

We are sick

2009-01-29T07:44:00.003-06:00

All of us. Every last person in this house.

Cael has RSV and bronchiolitis - again. We've got the nebulizer going every four hours. Poor little guy. He hates that thing. The worst part is that it doesn't seem to be helping that much.

Cialyn has fever and vomitting. I thought it was just a fever since she does that sometimes...just spikes a fever out of nowhere for a few days. At midnight last night, she proved me wrong. It was not pretty. I think I've gotten pretty good at keeping my gag reflex under control when it comes to gross bodily functions and children. It's a required skill for any parent. Last night, though, that was seriously tested and I almost didn't pass. Even I still have my limits two and half years and two kids later!

I have the vomit part of the illness. Now what did I say about vomitting???? I'm quite certain that I said no more vomitting for the rest of my life. Somebody wasn't listening. Have I not had enough of that with HG? Apparently I have not yet reached exempt status.

We shall see how today goes.

Speaking of the past...

2009-01-27T22:16:00.003-06:00

Every once in a while, I venture back in my mind to earlier days and people who influenced me (for better or worse) during those years. I started compiling a list of the more influential persons from my past and thought I might record those somewhere other than my own mind. So here's to all the people who taught me, inspired me, and kept me on track.

Mrs. Patricia Earlywine - my 4th grade teacher. Actually, she was my first "real" teacher at a "real" school since I had been homeschooled (excepting the first month or so of half-day kindergarten) all of my school years. She was a very good introduction to school.

Debbie Greenblatt-Seay - the wonderfully quirky woman who taught me to play the violin. Fun times in the old Avoca schoolhouse. I still have one or two of her music books lying around in storage somewhere. Maybe I'll dig those out one day.

Mr. Duane Splittgerber - calculus, anyone? Mr. Splittgerber took over my mathematics education when I entered 8th grade as the freaky homeschooled girl who was in the senior math class. He used to get so frustrated with me when I asked why it worked that way. But his ultimate frustration was that I rarely completed the extra credit questions on quizes and exams...and still got 100%. Sometimes I wonder how much harder he made those quizes and exams just to try to trip me up.

Mr. Jim Adams - though I never took an art class in my life, I got to experience Mr. Adams' sarcasm by participating on the yearbook staff. That class kept me from running my head into the wall. High school is no picnic.

Mrs. Julie White - an exceptionally gifted music instructor. She is the first person to ever actually "teach" me how to sing. She gave me so many opportunities and introduced me (and the entire choir) to the excellence of musicals like Fiddler on the Roof, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, and one of my all time favorites Les Miserables. I always made up a reason to spend hours upon hours in the choir room.

Mrs. Melissa Troxell - one of the only teachers in the high school I graduated from who actually went out of her way to teach me something. She challenged me when most of the other teachers just looked at my work and gave me a gold star. At 17, I still needed someone to challenge me, not just pat me on the back for being a natural. Had it not been for her guidance, I would not have progressed in my writing to the point that I did and may not have received scholarships to all the colleges I chose. I still remember her specific advice to me on several writing topics and it is still incredibly useful.

Kenny Qualls - it's difficult to describe this man in a way that will make someone understand why he was so remarkable. He was a quiet man, not prone to great speeches or many words...unless he was behind the pulpit. Preaching aside, he was observant, gentle, and quietly supportive. I will always remember one particular conversation that meant the world to me. It was very personal and I cannot share that with the world, so I will just leave it there.

I am quite sure there are some more that I have not included yet. It is very late now and I am not at my best thinking capacity. If I think of more, I will amend this as needed. It is an excellent group of people and I am incredibly grateful to all.

***ETA***
I thought of more. How could I have forgotten these people.

Coach Willard Brown - he was my basketball coach as early as grade school (fourth, fifth, and sixth). But it didn't stop there. He coached me all the way up through junior high as the head coach and through high school as the assistant coach. I don't think there was ever a moment that he doubted my ability to be a great player. He brought me up to practice with the high school team when I was only in junior high. That elevated my game tremendously. I would have never been the player that I was without his coaching. I was devastated when he passed away in a motor vehicle accident a mere few months after I moved away. He is greatly missed.

Coach Milo Ruffcorn - never has a coach been so polite when he's irritated. Milo's infamous "please" would always be heard when he was aggravated to no end with whoever he was addressing. But man, did this guy ever know his fundamentals. He was proud of the tradition of Iowa girls' basketball and worked hard to have his girls achieve excellence. The years I played for him were the best of my career. He never played games or politics with his team. It was straight up and all about love of the game.

My life circa late 2003

2009-01-26T21:21:00.003-06:00

Deja vu.

Not the circumstances exactly. No, not the circumstances at all. But definitely the feeling. I can't seem to shake the exact same feeling tonight that I had some six years ago.

I used to have this philosophy...more of a theory, really...that true deep misery was both addictive and productive. I did some of my best work during those times. And who won't agree that some of the world's greatest artists, authors, and musicians have also done some remarkable work during periods of deep internal torture and misery? There's something to my theory. Thing is, it's not really a theory that I hold to anymore. I do still believe it, but I've learned that the cost of experiencing such misery is not always worth the result.

Tonight I can't get rid of the feeling. What outlet do I have for it, though? I need somewhere to let it escape to so it doesn't accumulate and drown me again. I need a productive outlet that doesn't lead to the addictive part. I have to find it...and I have to find it soon...

For every action...

2009-01-21T11:19:00.003-06:00

Newton's third law

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction

Words to live by.

It's not a complicated concept. And yet it gives us fits day in and day out. The universe follows this law to the letter, without fail. Somehow the highest life form that exists (yes, humans) cannot seem to get on board with the natural order of the universe.

I wonder if that is because we are so intent on altering the natural order. We have spent lifetimes upon lifetimes developing the science of medicine just to subvert the natural order. We scoff in the face of previously life-ending diseases and other malfunctions of the body. Ha! Take that, universe! We have beaten you!

Somewhere along the line, humans decided that we didn't like the way things were. We decided that people shouldn't die and trees shouldn't grow freely; we decided that natural selection shouldn't exist and we needed to deny predators access to their prey. We even decided that it shouldn't be hot when it's hot and cold when it's cold. Air conditioning and furnaces. No need to let things be the way they are. Let's create our own rules and play this game according to how we like it, not how it is.

No, this isn't a rant about medicine, deforrestation, hunting laws, or energy consumption.

I am merely hypothesizing that the reason humans have such a difficult time with applying the concept of cause and effect or choices and consequences is that we have watched and participated in subverting natural order and natural reaction (or consequences, if you will) for our entire lifetime. And it bites us in the ass on a daily basis.

Why? Because try as we might, we can't stop cause and effect. We can't separate choice from consequence. We seem to want the choice but not the consequence. They are inseparable, people. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

These are our choices to make, absolutely. But they are our consequences as well. When the choice is made by one person, that same person bears the personal consequences. Granted, our choices can and often do effect another person or persons...perhaps even the world in some instances. But I have a difficult enough time convincing people to think of the consequences in their own lives let alone getting people to think outside themselves to realize the effect their actions have on others. So for today, let's just worry about the personal level.

Make good choices today. Deal with what you have chosen in the past and move forward. Remeber Newton's third law. It is with us always.

Grow, little man, grow!

2009-01-13T10:54:00.003-06:00

I have twice now found myself shocked at Cael's smallness in the last 24 hours. There is something not quite right about Cael being held up to a TWO MONTH OLD and being practically the SAME SIZE at FIVE MONTHS OLD!!!! Either these two month olds are particularly giant or Cael is just not as big as I thought he was getting. I don't want to say he's petite because that is a feminine characteristic. But he is the male equivalent of petite. I suppose that's just small, though that doesn't seem to do it justice.

Over Christmas, I swear he grew by at least two pounds and countless inches. He ate like a madman, started cereal, moved up to six ounce bottles instead of four, and now takes in a good 30 ounces a day. Yet somehow he is not as big as I pictured him.

Granted, most of these babies likely did not start at as little weight as he did. But still. I thought he was catching up nicely. I guess he won't be like his big sister...nearly off the charts in both weight and height ever since six months old.

Common little man...grow, grow, grow!!!

We need an update, don't we?

2008-12-21T18:36:00.002-06:00

The holiday season is such a wonderful, fabulous time. It is also a very busy time. It has left me little time to update. I promise I will make a concerted effort to post something substantial tomorrow. On the agenda will be:

*Illness updates
*Our holiday plans
*Toddler and baby cuteness
*And possibly some pictures (provided I can remember to take the memory card out of the camera and toss it in my mess of a bag)

Until then.

Change is coming

2008-12-07T00:00:00.003-06:00

Next weekend (December 13th and 14th) there will be house meetings held all over the nation to discuss the new road for the country now that Obama is president-elect Obama. The theme: Change is Coming. It is going to be a good opportunity to join with others in your community to discuss the changes that are most important to you and your community and what you want to do about it. On the agenda will be discussion and planning for a service event in your area. I encourage everyone to get involved.

Columbia's scheduled Change is Coming event is going to be held on Friday December 12th from noon to 1pm at the Columbia Public Library.

To find an event in your area, visit the Barack Obama website: http://my.barackobama.com/page/content/changeiscoming/?source=feature.

Washington Post article on hyperemesis gravidarum

2008-12-06T23:39:00.002-06:00

Click the title link above to see the whole story. From the article:

What I had was hyperemesis gravidarum, a severe form of pregnancy sickness characterized by persistent nausea and vomiting as well as significant weight loss, often more than 5 percent. It occurs in about three to 20 of every 1,000 pregnancies, hospitalizing more than 30,000 women a year in the United States, according to studies and government statistics.

Women with the condition can suffer from dehydration, malnutrition, electrolyte imbalance and, in severe instances, neurological disorders, spleen tearing, kidney failure and lung collapse. Before intravenous fluid treatment became available, it was not uncommon for women to die from hyperemesis. It can affect the unborn baby, too: Some researchers have linked the condition with restricted fetus growth, preterm delivery and low birth weight.

Unfortunately, hyperemesis gravidarum (HG) doesn't always lead to the happily ever after that this article portrays. Women who suffer from severe HG during pregnancy often experience further problems after delivery, including continued vomitting, metabolic dysfunction, and even post-traumatic stress disorder.

When I think about what I went through to get Cael here (and to a slightly lesser degree, Cialyn), it gives me serious pause to consider whether I can do it again. I have never wanted to have only two children. But I really don't know that I can take another round of HG with constant IV intervention and a cabinet full of medications to try to keep down every four to six hours. My kidney function was also affected, but luckily, no permanent damage was done. Who knows what the next time will bring. Maybe by the time I am ready to think seriously about doing it again, I will have had time to forget how awful it was.

Who wouldn't love this little face?

2008-12-06T23:16:00.002-06:00

Cael is just cuter than ever if I do say so myself. His range of facial expression is so great. He's a little ham and a big hit at his daycare where he flirts with every girl in his infant room, including his teachers. I thought I had my hands full with Cialyn. I dread the day when Cael figures out how to use his handsome smile to drive the little girls crazy. I guess that's just what happens when you have such beautiful babies!!! Biased? Who, me?? Of course not!

Signs

2008-11-22T15:00:00.003-06:00

A couple signs around our town have recently caught my eye. Both times I was driving along and saw the sign, read it, and drove on just shaking my head and laughing at the absurdity. Here's the first one (from a sign located in the Calvary Baptist Church lot):

Don't be so open-minded. Your brains might fall out.

By definition, open-minded means 1. having or showing a mind receptive to new ideas or arguments 2. unprejudiced; unbigoted; impartial (from Random House Unabridged Dictionary 2006).

If we aren't supposed to be open-minded (ie receptive to new ideas, unprejudiced, unbigoted, and impartial), then what are we supposed to be? This particular sign seems to imply that we should be the opposite, closed-minded. Eesh. I'm not so sure that's the way to go. So this church is encouraging its members and community to be unreceptive to new ideas, predjudiced, bigoted, and partial. That's a dangerous route. Only in such extremely conservative circles could open-minded be deemed a bad and dangerous thing.

Here's the second sign (from someone's yard):

Sarah Palin: pro life, pro God, pro gun.

This sign reminds me of my Sesame Street watching days and the fun little song..."One of these things is not like the other. One of these things just doesn't belong. Can you tell which thing is not like the others by the time I finish my song." Just think about it. Life...gun. God...gun. Absurd.

Here's what Cialyn has been up to

2008-11-22T14:27:00.006-06:00

"Making" a cake...

or eating the batter

TaDa!!

Getting soapy

Squeaky clean

And her new hangout. That's right, it's potty time!

The many faces of Mr. Cael

2008-11-08T10:22:00.004-06:00

Cael is almost 12 weeks old. His personality is really starting to show. Here's a few of my favorite faces.

Busy, busy, busy

2008-11-07T22:34:00.004-06:00

This is kind of playing catch up on the events in the life of the Green-Hyler family. Here's a rundown of our last two weeks.

*Cael had an ultrasound to check his kidneys again. Only one kidney is affected...unilateral hydronephrosis. Follow-up ultrasounds to come.

*Cialyn got a flu shot. She does not like the pediatrician's office.

*I took Cialyn and Cael to the pumpkin farm on October 29th. Cialyn got to pick out her own pumpkin and "carve" it (i.e. help scoop out the pumpkin guts and play in the goo. No actual carving was done by her).

*We all attended the night rally for Barack Obama on the night of October 30th. It was absolutely amazing. To be a part of something like that just five days before Obama was elected president...that will be something I will always remember and something both Cialyn and Cael will be able to be proud to have been a part of when they are older.

*October 31st...Halloween! It was Cialyn's first year to trick-or-treat, and she was a natural. She would have kept going all night. But it got chilly and Cael got hungry after an hour and a half. He was a little trooper though. Cialyn only got scared a couple times when some kids with monster masks passed us. Overall, it was a positive experience.

*Back up a couple days...potty training began in earnest on the 28th. Cialyn is two years-old now and we've gotten past the worst of the adjustment to a new baby. Plus, two in diapers...enough said!

***I went back to work this week.

I would like to expand on that final point just a bit. Such a simple concept. The execution was sketchy to say the least. First, there is the sheer volume of supplies involved in both preparing to leave the house and transporting two young children to two separate daycares. Yes, they are at separate daycares. Unfortunately, Cialyn's wonderful home daycare is full. They rarely have openings since it is such a high quality daycare. Since Cialyn has been there for over a year and is so attached to Grandma Ann and the other children, I felt it best to leave her in familiar surroundings. Too many other things have changed recently. Best to leave a good thing alone.

But back to the supplies...diapers, bottles, pull-ups, blankets, bibs, extra clothing, medications, wipes, pacifier...the list goes on. I can't even tell you how many items I forgot at home this week. This is on top of all the supplies it takes just to get me out the door...breast pump and related items, gym bag, work items, lunch, etc. Items I forgot this week: Cael's reflux meds, my lunch, my cell phone, Cael's jacket, Cialyn's hat, cold medicine.

Secondly, I have been gone for eleven weeks and you would think it was a lifetime. A disaster greeted me when I walked back in to my office. Once I dig my way out of the pile of papers and files that are all over my office, I'll get back to you. There's much more I could say about this but I won't.

Oh, and where are all the staff??? Everyone that I have been working with decided to move on, either from the agency itself or onto another position. I think there are three left and they are all in separate departments. None of them were ever in my department anyways, but we worked in the same building. Now I am surrounded by strangers. They won't be strangers for long, but between my crazy personal schedule and my crazy work schedule, I didn't have the time or the energy to get to know them this week. I'll just have to prove that I'm not standoffish next week. It can wait.

Finally, Cael is having trouble adjusting to the new schedule. Thus, our regular sleep schedule has been disrupted. This week, I got only four hours of sleep a night. Why not? Everything else is a disaster. Why not sleep too? Ah well, sleep is for the weak.

This is OUR time

2008-11-06T15:19:00.003-06:00

I wanted to let Tuesday night's events marinate for a day before jotting down my thoughts. Needless to say, I'm excited. That is actually a dramatic understatement as words cannot truly do justice to how I feel about the events that transpired.

We are hearing a lot about the "youth" vote: the 18-29 year-olds who turned out in record numbers and voted for Obama by a large margin over McCain. I fall directly into that demographic category. What comes to mind when I read about how much of a difference the youth vote made in this election? John Mayer's "Waiting on the World to Change" lyrics...

One day our generation is gonna rule the population, so we keep waiting on the world to change.

I have to tell you, I think that day has come. Obama was our candidate. He had our support. And he won by a landslide. The "youth" of America have spoken and it is a voice that people cannot help but hear. This is our time.

***Having just listened to that song again in the car on the way home, I feel compelled to post the lyrics in their entirety.

Me and all my friends, we're all misunderstood

They say we stand for nothing and there's no way we ever could

Now we see everything that's going wrong

with the world and those who lead it

Just feel like we don't have the means to rise above and beat it

So we keep waiting, waiting on the world to change

We keep on waiting, waiting on the world to change

It's hard to beat the system when we're standing at a distance

So we keep waiting, waiting on the world to change

If we had the power to bring our neighbors home from war

they would've never missed a Christmas,

no more ribbons on the doors

When you trust your television, what you get is what you got

Cause when they own the information, they can bend it all they want

That's why we're waiting, waiting on the world to change

We're still waiting, waiting on the world to change

It's not that we don't care

We just know that the fight ain't fair

So we're still waiting, waiting on the world to change

One day our generation is gonna rule the population

So we keep waiting, waiting on the world to change

2008-11-04T10:27:00.002-06:00

VOTE

Yes, today is the day. Everyone who is registered should get out and vote. However, I'm going to call on all Obama supporters in particular to cast your vote in this very important and historic election.

Missouri is a battleground state, so every single vote will be extrememly important. According to CNN polls, Missouri is currently tied 48% Obama and 48% McCain. Here's a breakdown of the key battleground states:

Florida: 48% Obama/46% McCain

Missouri: 48% Obama/48% McCain

Ohio: 49% Obama/46% McCain

Pennsylvania: 51% Obama/43% McCain

Missouri is of particular interest to me since it is my home state. It's coming down to the wire. Do the right thing, Missouri. Pull through for Obama. Don't let me down.

In case you are working today as I am, be familiar with your voting rights regarding time off to vote. Check this link for your state-specific rights: http://www.hr.cch.com/cases/Time_Off_Vote.pdf. Federal law doesn't provide any specific protection regarding time off to vote; however, your state may give you more protection.

I'll be glued to my tv tonight watching every result state-by-state, just like I did with the primaries. I'm an election junkie. Even if Missouri lets me down (which it very well might since I was disappointed in the primaries), I have a good feeling about tonight. Hold your breath, everyone. Tomorrow we may very well wake up to a brand new sight...the first black president. And one with an exceptional plan for our nation.

Happy Halloween!

2008-10-31T22:33:00.002-05:00

Product warning issued by FDA

2008-10-28T18:22:00.002-05:00

I know several people who read here occasionally who are either pregnant or breastfeeding. I also know that several shop at natural food stores and often use natural products. This product warning pertains to you all directly.

Product name: Mommy's Bliss Nipple Cream manufactured by MOM Enterprises

What it is: Marketed as 100% natural, lanolin-free, paraben-free alternative for nursing mothers to relieve sore nipples.

Why it's dangerous: The FDA issued an advisory in May 2008 causing the company to issue a voluntary recall of the product. The problems are stated in this link http://www.fda.gov/bbs/topics/NEWS/2008/NEW01839.html. Briefly, there are two ingredients (chlorphenesin and phenoxyethanol) that are potentially very dangerous to infants. They can cause respiratory distress, vomiting and diarrhea that can lead to dehydration.

Why you should care: True, this advisory was issued in May of this year. HOWEVER, this product is still available in some stores across the country. The company states that they called all their stores and distriubtors, yet I unknowingly purchased this dangerous product right off the shelf of a local natural foods store just three weeks ago and have been using it ever since. Five months after the advisory.

When asked about how this happened, a representative of MOM Enterprises stated that the product isn't that bad and they don't have any complaints on record. When asked why the company website (www.blissbymom.com) was missing any mention of the advisory and recall, the representative stated that the information wasn't "current enough" to be on the website since it happened five months ago. Five months isn't "current enough"? So can someone please explain to me why they have a whole media corner that includes some references from 2007 and even a media reference from 2004?? Of course, all of it is glowing commendations for all their other products.

My experience with this company has led me to believe that they are irresponsible in their marketing of products designed for babies and mothers. If they are not responsible enough to post this information for their consumers to protect the health of their babies with one product, then I know they cannot be trusted to pass on any pertinent information that we may need to know if something were wrong with their other products.

Please beware of this company and all of their products listed below:

Baby's Bliss Gripe Water
Baby's Bliss Diaper Cream
Baby's Bliss BabyDerma Cream
Mommy's Bliss Morning Sickness Magic
Mommy's Bliss Pregnancy Heartburn Comfort
Mommy's Bliss Omega-3 DHA Fish Oil
Mommy's Bliss Belly Butter
Mommy's Bliss Foot Cream
Mommy's Bliss Nipple Cream

And, if you are so inclined, or have, like me, used this recalled product and wish to express your disapproval of the way they have handled the problem with this product, please feel free to visit their website (www.blissbymom.com) and leave feedback. Their lack of concern for their consumers warrants a comment.

Straight or curly????

2008-10-22T12:58:00.003-05:00

I took Cialyn to have her hair trimmed a couple weeks ago and the stylist asked if she could try straightening Cialyn's hair. I had never tried it, so I gave her the ok. I couldn't decide if it was cute. Well, of course it's cute because it's Cialyn. What I mean is I couldn't decide if I really liked it. For one thing, it made her look a lot older. Another thing...and tell me if I'm off base on this...I thought it made her look a little bit like one of those kiddie beauty pageant contestants (read: a little creepy in a way). I don't mean Cialyn was creepy. It's just that I find those pageants to be a bit creepy the way they dress them up and put makeup on and the hair and the whole thing.

So I ask this question. Curly or straight???

The last two months in pictures

2008-10-22T12:33:00.004-05:00

Starting in August....up to now. Cael is two months old now. The latest picture is him at eight weeks.

One month

2008-09-19T14:59:00.002-05:00

Cael is one month old today. Coincidently, today is also his due date. He decided to join us one month earlier than planned. And it has been a month that has flown by, yet it also seems that he has been with us forever.

What has Cael accomplished in his first month of life??

*He is smiling now. Sleepy Cael smiles are the best.

*He is losing the hair on the top of his head. Poor balding little man!

*He has grown...just how much I'm not sure. I would estimate he is right around 6 pounds now. I won't get an official weight check until two months. But he is still a very tiny little one month old. Most people who meet him assume he is just a couple days old.

I wish I could show you some one month pictures of my little man Cael, but this computer at home is painfully slow and it's a fight to get the pictures uploaded. So pictures are indefinitely suspended. Hopefully it will be a short suspension and you can see for yourself very soon how he has changed and grown.

Welcome to the world baby Cael

2008-08-28T17:59:00.007-05:00

Cael Emerson Reid Green
August 19th 2008
1:44pm
4lb 8.6oz, 18.7inches
35 weeks 5 days gestational age

On Monday, August 18th, I had an appt with my specialist and had a biophysical profile as usual. My doctor called later that morning with the results of some labs that had been run over the weekend. He said the lab results showed I had mild pre-eclampsia and I needed to be seen 1st thing Tuesday morning with my regular OB to check how quickly the pre-eclampsia was progressing. The appt was scheduled for 10am Tuesday the 19th.

I went to the appt on the 19th at 10am and I had overnight progressed from mild pre-eclampsia to severe pre-eclampsia. I had a significant amount of protein in my urine, my blood pressure was 170/112 even after lying down for a while, and I still had the severe headache I had had since the Thursday before. My doctor was concerned about seizures and said I needed to be induced right away.

I went home and grabbed some stuff and threw it in a bag for me and the baby. I called my mom and told her to be on her way up. I was checked in at the hospital by 11:30am and had my labwork drawn up. Then I was sent up to L&D to my room where I assumed I would be for a while until the induction worked. My cervix was closed and unfavorable for induction, so both my doctor and I assumed it would be a long process.

By 12:30pm, I had been hooked up to my IV and they started a magnesium boles. It is apparently a high dose of magnesium that they run in through the IV over 20 minutes and then turn it down. Man, did that ever burn. It was a very uncomfortable experience. But during the time that they were running the magnesium, a bunch of nurses and doctors kept coming in and out of my room and making me lie on my side and checking the monitors. The baby's heartrate was dropping significantly and they were very concerned.

At 12:50pm, the resident came in and said they were stopping the magnesium and my OB was on her way over to the hospital right away. They were concerned about baby and said a c-section may be necessary.

At 1:05pm, my OB showed up and took one look at the heartrate and said it was time to do a c-section. I asked what was going on, and she said this baby will NOT tolerate an induction. She said all we had done was started some magnesium and he wasn't tolerating that at all and if we waited any longer, we would have a stillborn. She kept saying to the nurses and residents "I want this baby here sooner rather than later." It was very scary.

At 1:12pm, I was in the OR and they were working on starting the spinal. They couldn't get it in until 1:33pm. I was shaking and nervous and crying. I had only got to make one phone call and called my mom to tell her I was having a c-section right now. So no one was going to be with me. I was nervous and scared and really didn't want to have the c/s but I could tell by my doctor's tone that it was absolutely necessary. That was the longest 20 or so minutes of my life.

At 1:44pm, the baby was born. They showed him to me very briefly and then had to take him away. He had to be on oxygen for the first bit and they took him to the NICU. I then threw up from the morphine and the spinal. That was fun. Then I kind of dozed off while they finished up.
By 2:29pm, I was in recovery. I got out of recovery at 3:22pm and got to be wheeled downstairs to the NICU to see my baby again. He was doing really well by then and was off the oxygen. He was out of the NICU around 5:15pm and didn't have to go back.

They didn't get his weight and everything at first because they were busy working on him and making sure he was ok. Apparently, he was extremely wrapped up in his cord. It was wrapped around both shoulders and they had a very hard time getting him out even as a c/s.
But he is here. It took me a couple days to name him but he finally got his name. We got out of the hospital on Saturday, August 23rd but I was readmitted on Monday for complications from surgery. I was released on Wednesday the 27th and hope I will not have to go back.

Here are some pictures of my new little guy and some of him with his proud big sister.

We made it to the pool

2008-08-14T11:13:00.002-05:00

Unfortunately, I didn't bring the camera. So no pictures. But I can tell you a wonderful time was had by all. Cialyn was scared of the pool initially and only waded in up to her little ankles. Mama had to show her it was ok and it took about 20 minutes or so before she was all over the little kiddie pool and water playground. At one point, my little pumpkinhead got really brave and ventured into a tunnel with waterfalls over both ends. The shocked look on her face when she came out the other end and slipped all the way into the water...it was priceless. Luckily she found it amusing. I was worried there would be tears but she was fine.

We didn't make it home until a little after 8pm since we were having so much fun that we stayed until the pool closed. In my experience, there is nothing like sun and water for a couple hours to tire a child out. After a quick dinner, Cialyn was done. She fell asleep in no time and slept until 7am. You know when this child sleeps til 7am that she was really tired. She's a 6am riser on most occasions.

Cialyn in the box

2008-08-13T10:28:00.009-05:00

Cialyn had a lot of fun playing in empty diaper boxes last night. And she had even more fun posing for me to take her picture. She even smiled and everything! So these are to prove that my daughter does, in fact, smile from time to time. Looking at many of the pictures I have posted here could give one the impression that she is a serious child more often than not. Don't get me wrong, she quite enjoys giving people "the serious face." But she also smiles and laughs all the time. And please don't mind the hair. It was at the end of a long day and her lovely little curls had been wind-blown out into her typical end-of-the-day 'fro.

I had every intention of taking my little pumpkinhead swimming last night, but the weather didn't cooperate. So instead of fun swimming pictures, the box is the best you get. If the rain holds off this evening and it is still pleasantly warm (not unbearably hot), we will visit the pool tonight after work. It is the last week the pools are open during the week.

In baby news, little baby boy is cooperating only to a certain extent. His growth has slowed down some and he is small. Anyone who is surprised, please raise your hand (hint: there should be no hands in the air right now). As of this just passed Monday, the weight they are projecting is 4lb 8oz. This is a 30th percentile weight. That's down from the 45th percentile he was measuring in three weeks ago. Here's a timeline of baby boy's weight:

June 2nd: 1lb 7oz

June 30th: 2lb 11oz

July 21st: 3lb 5oz

August 11th: 4lb 8oz

To put all this in perspective, though, it's necessary to remember that Cialyn was only 4lb 13oz at birth. She was born at 36 weeks (ie 1 week and 3 days beyond when these most recent measurements were taken). Simply based on my experience with Cialyn, I am pleased with 4lb 8oz. I find that to be a very respectable weight. Then again, to anyone who has had a baby weighing in the "normal" range, a weight in the 4's will probably seem incredibly scrawny. It's all just a matter of your perspective.

However, this could prove to be a problem soon as a slowed growth rate can indicate pre-eclampsia problems. So stay tuned for updates about what has developed there. I have an appointment this afternoon and will either be sent on my way with no problems or will be given some kind of news about baby boy being born sooner than later. Who knows. I think both Cialyn and I are prepared for baby boy's birth (minus having chosen a suitable name), so it will be ok with me if they keep me for an induction. That would, of course, effectively cancel my evening plans to go to the pool...

4:00pm - Back from my doctor appointment. Looks like we're going to the pool!

Cialyn says...

2008-08-08T11:10:00.005-05:00

Some new Cialyn-isms to enjoy...

*Kiddos - This is a new one from the weekend and I'm responsible for adding this one to her vocabulary. We were down visiting my family over last weekend. After a couple days of being around only grown people (there are no other children currently in my immediate family, so no one is Cialyn's age or close to it), I excitedly told her on Sunday morning that we were getting ready to go to church with Grandma and she could see all the little kiddos. "Kiddos??" she said questioningly, trying to make sense of what this word means. Now every day it's "I want to see the kiddos." We go to Grandma Ann's house to see the "kiddos."

*Know why? - This one also popped up over the weekend. I've been getting a fair amount of "whys?" and "guess whats?" before. But "know why?" is a new one. Cialyn says "Mama, know why?" To which I answer "Why, baby?" Her typical response is "Because, ummmm...(long pause)...Know why?" Well, at least her mind understands that there has to be a "because" to a "why." Even if there isn't a "because" for her right now, she's practicing the structure. And that's exciting to see for a linguistics nerd!

*And all kinds of stuff - This one was so cute yesterday. Everyday after I pick her up from Grandma Ann's house, I ask her what she did today. It's become standard practice for her to list off the names of all the children she played with that day. Eva and Zachary and Ashton and Chaser-man and Abby-doo. Yesterday I got the whole list finished off with "and all kinds of stuff." You would have had to see the broad gesturing she did to go with it. I would have missed it had I not just briefly turned around to look at her from the front seat of the car. It was too cute.

*Happy birthday cake to you, happy birthday cake to you - Whenever a child's birthday draws near at Grandma Ann's, the kids practice singing Happy Birthday so they will be prepared on the big day to sing to the special birthday child. Cialyn's birthday is up next (August 25th) and the practicing has begun. Cialyn came home and sang the song for me last night, "Happy birthday cake to you, happy birthday cake to you." For my dear little pumpkinhead, anything that resembles cake (birthday cake, cupcakes, decorated cookies, etc) has always been "happy birthday cake." There is no such thing as just plain cake. It's all "happy birthday cake." So it makes sense in her little toddler mind that the song is all about cake. Apparently we haven't reached the point where we can separate the concepts of "happy birthday" and "cake." But I love the new twist on the song. We should all sing it that way!

*Milgurt - aka yogurt.

And on a totally separate note that no one except for me will care about...

I am so excited to reveal Cialyn's big sister shirt for when baby brother arrives. It is, of course, special ordered, and I received it in the mail yesterday. Now I am just so ridiculously excited to have it. Imagine how cute the two of them will be in the hospital wearing their big sister and baby brother shirts.

Names, tantrums, and more unrelated things

2008-08-07T13:29:00.003-05:00

This child has no name. Might not seem like such a big deal to you, but here I am sitting at 34 weeks pregnant and unable to put together a decent name. Baby boy could be here any day now and I will have nothing to call him. Anyone have a perfectly lovely name sitting around that they're not planning to use?

In unrelated news, Cialyn had her first major meltdown ever in a public place on Tuesday. We stopped by our neighborhood Target store (coincidentally, to pick up a book on baby names among other things) after I picked her up from Grandma Ann's house. All was going incredibly well. She even held my hand so nicely in the parking lot and didn't try to run off. We got to the book aisle, located the book I was searching for, then headed over to look at all the kiddie books for a minute. No problem. Until it was a problem.

I think the tantrum was related to her frustration level. She was pointing and pointing to a book that she wanted mama to pull off the shelf and let her look at, and mama just couldn't figure out which book it was. I swear I picked up every book on the shelf and held it up for her approval, but every single book was met with a "no" and more frustration from her. Then came the screaming.

Now I have always felt a great deal of pride in the fact that my little Cialyn is incredibly well-behaved in public places. She does well when we go shopping and is a perfect little princess if we ever (rarely) eat out. Having an all-out screaming, kicking, crying tantrum in a public place is a new experience for me. What's that about terrible two's???? Surely not my little pumpkinhead.

Anyways, it only lasted about five minutes. We had to locate an empty aisle where I proceded to put her down and let her finish throwing her fit. People walked by and laughed. Some of the mothers gave me a knowing look and just smiled. Yes, welcome to toddlerhood apparently. I had to hold back my laughter too as I realized just how ridiculous the whole situation was and how I had just entered a new phase of parenting.

For a final piece of unrelated news, my office building is getting set to be eerily quiet in the next few weeks. Of course, I am going on maternity leave. Two of my coworkers are leaving as well. One has been promoted to a new position. The other is leaving us for a different position that accomodates her school schedule much better. If anyone is in Columbia and looking for a job, the door's wide open. Take my job, please!!! Just kidding. I may want that back when I return from my baby vacation.

Something to think about

2008-07-31T12:04:00.004-05:00

Something that I think about all the time, actually. I'll elaborate on that in a moment. These lyrics from Tupac's song Changes are incredibly relevant to today's world and always challenge me. See if they challenge you in any way.

I see no changes

wake up in the morning and I ask myself

is life worth living should I blast myself?

I'm tired of bein' poor & even worse I'm black

my stomach hurts so I'm lookin' for a purse to snatch

Cops give a damn about a negro

pull the trigger kill a nigga he's a hero

Give the crack to the kids who the hell cares

one less hungry mouth on the welfare

First ship 'em dope & let 'em deal the brothers

give 'em guns step back watch 'em kill each other

It's time to fight back that's what Huey said

two shots in the dark now Huey's dead

I got love for my brother

but we can never go nowhere unless we share with each other

We gotta start makin' changes

learn to see me as a brother instead of two distant strangers

and that's how it's supposed to be

How can the Devil take a brother if he's close to me?

I'd love to go back to when we played as kids but things changed

and that's the way it is

I see no changes

all I see is racist faces

misplaced hate makes disgrace to races

We under, I wonder what it takes to make this

one better place, let's erase the wasted

Take the evil out the people they'll be acting right

'cause both black and white is smokin' crack tonight

and only time we chill is when we kill each other

it takes skill to be real, time to heal each other

And although it seems heaven sent

We ain't ready, to see a black President

It ain't a secret, don't conceal the fact

the penitentiary's packed, and it's filled with blacks

But some things will never change

try to show another way but you stayin' in the dope game

Now tell me what's a mother to do

bein' real don't appeal to the brother in you

You gotta operate the easy way

"I made a G today" But you made it in a sleazy way

sellin' crack to the kids.

"I gotta get paid," Well hey, well that's the way it is

We gotta make a change...

It's time for us as a people to start makin' some changes

Let's change the way we eat

let's change the way we live

and let's change the way we treat each other

You see the old way wasn't working

so it's on us to do what we gotta do to survive.

And still I see no changes

can't a brother get a little peace

It's war on the streets & the war in the Middle East

Instead of war on poverty

they got a war on drugs so the police can bother me

And I ain't never did a crime I ain't have to do

But now I'm back with the blacks givin' it back to you

Don't let 'em jack you up, back you up,

crack you up and pimp slap you up

You gotta learn to hold ya own

they get jealous when they see ya with ya mobile phone

But tell the cops they can't touch this

I don't trust this when they try to rush I bust this

That's the sound of my tool

you say it ain't cool, my mama didn't raise no fool

And as long as I stay black

I gotta stay strapped & I never get to lay back

'Cause I always got to worry 'bout the pay backs

some buck that I roughed up way back

comin' back after all these years

rat-tat-tat-tat-tat that's the way it is

So why do I think about this all the time? I wonder how many of us know how it is to live a life of true poverty. Destitution. Not knowing how we are going to feed our kids. Will the electricity be shut off today? Can we afford our rent this month? Trying to work a job but not able to afford childcare so you can faithfully attend that job. Or even worse, your child gets sick and you get fired from your job. Now what?

There are a million scenarios that I could detail here that I have either personally experienced or have run into working in social services. Not one situation is the same as the other and none of them have easy answers. I know we'd all like to think that it's someone's fault...they didn't try hard enough; he's lazy; she has too many kids. Fact is, these are simply reasons and excuses we as a society offer ourselves to reassure ourselves that "it could never be me." But unless you are independently wealthy, upper class, don't have to work for a living, any one "middle class" or "working class" person or family is generally only one step ahead of being destitute. A layoff, a serious illness...then it's you in that situation. And it's no more your fault than most of these same people we see in poverty right now. So it may be time to rethink our justifications of why people are in poverty. It may make us feel slightly comforted, but it's based in lies that are incredibly misleading. It's a false comfort.

I also think about the issue of racism in America. Before you respond with "there isn't racism in America anymore," look at the color of your skin. On whose perspective are you basing that assessment?? When is the last time someone said something out of the way or just plain hateful to you based on the color of your skin? When is the last time you were denied decent service? When is the last time someone assumed you got your job or position based on Affirmative Action instead of the fact that you truly deserved to be there? Racism has many ugly faces still in this society.

Finally, take poverty and racism and combine the effects of both. You have one big ugly mess. That's what the lyrics above are talking about.

I hope that something from this very powerful song touched someone today. You may not be able to identify with it all or even most of it, but there is something in there to speak to everyone. Think about it for a little while. And then when you're done thinking, look around and see what you can do to make some changes.

Some summer pictures

2008-07-25T15:55:00.007-05:00

I haven't posted any recent pictures of Cialyn and wanted to show off my beautiful baby girl today. I'm getting all sentimental about her upcoming birthday (August 25th) when she will turn TWO!!!! I can't believe it. She's just such a beautiful, intelligent, funny, quirky little girl. My baby girl. She just seems so grown up sometimes.

So here are some photos to enjoy.

She loves to play in the pool

Hanging out at home

So pretty in her summer dress

This is her "pretty princess" outfit that she loves to wear and dance around in

Silly smiley face

My little cutie pie

All good things must come to an end

2008-07-01T09:31:00.002-05:00

Unfortunately it didn't last. I had a day full of appointments yesterday only to find out I am a preterm labor risk and my blood pressure is up again. Ah, well. I guess that means I will be holding my son sooner than expected. He is now 2 lbs 9oz. More than half what Cialyn weighed at birth. That's a respectable number. We can deal with that.

It may seem like my whole life revolves around this pregnancy and parenting the one child that I already have. If it doesn't seem like that to you, then maybe you haven't been paying attention...because it seems like that to me at times. Sometimes I wonder if that is a good thing. And here's what I've decided.

There are phases and stages that life takes us through. Right now, my phase is set to parenthood. Not just parenthood, but single parenthood. It requires a great deal of effort and attention for me to bring a child into the world what with all the complications that keep popping up. And it obviously takes a great deal of effort and attention to raise a child correctly. Now your definition and mine of "correctly" may drastically vary, but that's not the issue. To do something and do it well requires focus. To do something as important as raising children requires much more than that. I want to do this well, so my mind is focused on the immediate tasks at hand. This is the phase that I am set on right now. So it is ok. It's more than ok...it's right for this time of my life.

Moving in the right direction

2008-06-09T16:19:00.002-05:00

I am pleased to report that I am finally moving in the right direction in both the weight and blood pressure categories. I have gained a grand total of 3lbs...that's not an actual gain since I've lost so much...but at least it's not another loss. My blood pressure is 110/70 and perfectly normal...which is perfectly abnormal for me now. I don't know what is responsible for this breif reprieve, but I'll gladly accept it. According to my doctor, I get to be treated like a "regular" patient for the next three weeks. Three weeks is all I get. After that, it's back to being watched and poked and prodded...all for the sake of this little being growing in my abdomen.

The little being is doing a good job of growing. He is a tiny little guy but pretty close to right on track. He was 1lb 7oz on June 2nd, and "they" are pleased with that.

My little Cialyn is such a mommy's girl. We spend all our time together when I am not at work. I honestly can't tell who's more attached to who. She still cries when I drop her at daycare even though I know she adores Grandma Ann and all the little friends she's made. Every time I have to leave her, it still rips my heart out. I know I'll be back to get her and she knows I will be too, but there's just a sadness about having to leave her for 9 hours. That's 9 hours I'll never get back. And all those hours of her life are just going by so fast. I will be so excited to have her with me for a couple months while I am on maternity leave.

Some days are just like that

2008-05-27T15:13:00.002-05:00

Today is one of those days. One of those "just like that" days. I could see it coming this morning and tried to ward it off by immersing myself in something else, anything else. But my mind moves at warp speed all the time...a million miles an hour...thinking, thinking, thinking. It outran the superficial busy-ness and now it's caught up to me.

Questions and answers. Questions and no answers. Questions.

Not so much of a "what if" experience as much as an attempt at detangling what has happened and what will happen. My family is splintered, broken into pieces. Here I am trying to gather pieces and find a new way. I have no doubt that I will come out of this stronger than I went in, even though I don't know exactly how.

Can I say that I am disappointed? I am disappointed in humanity. In basic human decency. I will never lie and say that dealing with an illness like HG is easy for a family as a whole. It's tough on the family and it's tough on the caregivers. But I thought that everyone had enough decency deep down inside of them to push through the tough times for the sake of the greater goal. I will say it here...to abandon someone during a pregnancy and an extreme illness is to me unspeakable. That's all that I will say about that as I believe in a form of karma that will eventually find its way back around.

So for those who cannot gather from my rambling that June is no longer with our family...well, now I guess the cat's out of the bag. It's been a month or so for Cialyn and I here on our own. We are struggling along and will continue to do so in the coming months. HG is still the same so I won't beat a dead horse. We are here. And for today, that is enough.

Just how neccesary are these things called food and water?

2008-05-21T11:20:00.003-05:00

Sometimes we forget just how necessary food and water are to our survival. Ever gone several months without being able to keep down any quantity of food larger than the tip of your pinky finger? If not, then you may not truly understand this phenomenon of which I speak.

I had personally not realized the importance of nutrients to the body until these last few months. Severe dehydration and malnutrition can do a number on a person's ability to function at any level. But now I have had three "good" days...Sunday, Monday, Tuesday. Today is iffy. We'll have to see how it pans out in the end. And by "good" I mean I was able to keep down some almost regular amounts of food. I feel like a giant cloud has been lifted!!! No more fog for me...other than the one brought on by the combination of seven meds that I take every four hours...but that is unavoidable.

I don't know if it's the meds that are finally working in this combination or the weekly IV therapies or what. I hesitate to be so optimistic as to hope that this is "it"...the magical "it" I have been waiting and hoping for...the breaking of the cycle. Dare I hope that this cursed HG might truly be over??? I would love for that to be true, but I can't bring myself to come to that conclusion lest I be grossly disappointed tomorrow, or even today. It's the cruelness of HG. That cycle that refuses to be broken. How is possible to hate something so much that you can't even see? Well, that's HG for you. Almost as if it were a living, breathing entity. I wish it were. Then I could kick it's a$$ at least.

To learn more about this thing called HG (aka hyperemesis gravidarum), please, please, PLEASE check out the website www.helpher.org. You'll get a ton of great information and be able to see why more research is desperately needed to help pregnant women like me who suffer from this debilitating disease throughout pregnancy. Help make us fluffy!!

An Incredibly Quick Pop In

2008-05-14T15:21:00.002-05:00

It's a couple weeks past May 5th. The big day has come and gone and here are the results:

It's a boy!

Little baby boy doesn't have a name yet and I won't be sharing that with you anyways until he is out in this world...which by the way is in four months at the most. I won't say time has flown by because it's actually crawled...or rather, came along kicking and screaming. Between vomitting non-stop and the various shades of black, blue, purple, brown, green, and yellow tinting my ever-bruised arms and hands from continual IV hydration and nutrition...well, let's just say pregnancy isn't my favorite. But I'm getting a little boy. So we're almost even.

And so it begins

2008-04-18T13:49:00.006-05:00

Here we are. The first post on this new blog now that I've finally decided to take the plunge. I'm joining the world of blogging and becoming connected. As Cialyn would say, "Yay, I did it! (throws arms up in air)"

We begin this journey with exciting news that most already know. The three of us are becoming the four of us. In September of 2008, we will welcome the newest baby Hyler. Those of us old enough to comprehend what that means are very excited. Cialyn has minimal awareness of things other than Elmo, Barney, her beloved MooMoo, and bubbles, so she will come to terms with our new addition in her own way once baby Hyler actually arrives on the scene.

Speaking of Cialyn, we are ever in awe of her changing knowledge and abilities. She learns and grows by leaps and bounds every day. She's my little talker with lots to say, her favorite being "What's that?" and "Where'd daddy go?" I can't believe that she is nearly 20 months-old. That means she will be two in four months. Where did the time go? I just finished planning the first birthday party. Please don't tell me it's time to start again.

I am coming up on a year of work at the non-profit agency I started with in July of 2007. Most of my time here has been bearable, if not pleasant, and I've been glad for the switch. The agency is about 100 times more family friendly than my previous company. This is especially a good thing since my family is continuing to grow. They have been supportive of me since my announcement of the upcoming baby even though I know they are dreading the maternity leave issue. But they'll survive.

I fully look forward to taking three months away from work for my family to adjust. Going from one child to two in the house will take some adjusting. I'm a little scared to tell the truth, but women all over the world do it all the time. How bad can it be? I am hopeful that this baby will have fewer special needs than my little tiny preemie Cialyn. But then again, if things continue on this pregnancy in the same way, I will probably have this one early as well. This pregnancy has been just as difficult in exactly the same ways as the pregnancy with Cialyn. I have been dealing with hyperemesis gravidarum from five weeks in this pregnancy just like in the previous one. So everyone from my OB to friends to strangers are hypothesizing (based on all the old wives tales, etc) that the same symptoms mean I am having another girl. I have not had a chance to find out if they are right or wrong yet and I don't know yet if I will take the chance to do so once it does arrive. Basically, I can't make up my mind. Do we want to know or not? I have a couple weeks to decide. May 5th will be a big day for us and I'm sure you will hear more then if not before.